Sunday, April 20, 2008

Pitch In and Get Some



On March 6, 2008 I read an article on the Huffington Post entitled “Housework Gets You Laid” by David Crary. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/03/06/housework-gets-you-laid_n_90213.html

In it he writes:

American men still don't pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care, but collectively they're not the slackers they used to be. The average dad has gradually been getting better about picking himself up off the sofa and pitching in, according to a new report in which a psychologist suggests the payoff for doing more chores could be more sex.

If a guy does housework, it looks to the woman like he really cares about her _ he's not treating her like a servant," said Coleman, who is affiliated with the Council on Contemporary Families. "And if a woman feels stressed out because the house is a mess and the guy's sitting on the couch while she's vacuuming, that's not going to put her in the mood."

Pamela Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist who also works with the council, said a persistent gender gap remains for what she called "invisible" household work _ scheduling children's medical appointments, buying the gifts they take to birthday parties, arranging holiday gatherings, for example.


I’ve been contemplating this whole concept for quite some time now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is actually some very real truth to this statement.
I can’t tell you how many times I have commiserated with family and numerous friends around this very subject, specifically about MEN doing housework .
I have heard everything from “ He does the laundry but then it just sits in the basket until it’s so wrinkled you can’t possibly wear it.” Or “ He never washes the dishes or empties the dishwasher, he has never given the kids baths, or changed the sheets…” The list goes on and on…many women feel worn down and resentful about the lack of partnership in these areas. So resentful in fact, that it can’t help but have a big effect on their sex drives.

I must admit, it certainly is a huge drag and yes, a turn off, to arrive home after being out, whether from work, errands, appointments etc. and find that the sink is filled with dirty dishes so you can’t even start to cook dinner; or something smells in the garbage and has now permeated the entire house because it wasn’t taken out; or when you go to fill the dishwasher it’s full but hasn’t been run; or your clothes, that were in the dryer, are now wrinkled to the point of being unrecognizable; or you find out that you’re having guests at the last minute and you have to decide between showering or cleaning up because there’s not enough time for both. These are just a few of the complaints I have heard from (mostly women and gay male friends) about what bothers them about their mates. I feel I can safely say that not having the help one would like to have maintaining a home, does in fact greatly diminish the desire for sex.

And why wouldn’t it? Can you really say that having to clean up after people is a turn on? I mean really…who wants to slide into a bed full of crumbs, or slip into something wrinkled, or have to wash out a glass (if you can get to the faucet over the dirty dishes) every time you go to pour yourself a drink? Who likes to smell something rotting every time you open the fridge or realize you have no dry towels as you’re stepping out of the shower? Last time I checked, none of these things were considered to be aphrodisiacs.

Look, even if you are lucky enough to be able to afford a cleaning person on a regular basis, which most of my friends are not, you still have a great deal of maintenance: as in: daily dishwashing, laundry, garbage removal, making beds, sorting junk mail, recycling…and if you’re one of us that are blessed with children, triple that.

Who has the energy to come home from work, cook, get organized, clean up after everybody and then have a rollicking good time in the hay? I have yet to meet a couple that feel like they are equals in this area.
I knew things were serious when my girlfriend, who was always energetic and sexually vibrant, was teaching me how to give a “lazy man’s” blowjob, she said “It’s really good, just put your head on a pillow at the right height and let him do the work…” I later thought… things must be bad…but mainly because, for a moment, I was actually considering it!
I once lived with a man who said to me, “I don’t clean, I don’t like to clean and I’m not good at it.” Later I thought...who the hell likes to clean and what would happen if I took the same stand? A girlfriend of mine once gave the advice to “just don’t do it and eventually he will be compelled to”. I can tell you this, it eventually came down to these choices: living in squalor or doing it myself, being resentful but having a clean house, I chose the latter. Today we are no longer together.
I’m not sure if this is a coincidence or not, but today I am living with a man who cleans, cooks and shares in all the household chores and sex (for both of us) has never been better!
If you men really want more sex, why not try it, start by asking what you can do to pitch in around the house…things may start to change, you’ll never know unless you try.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Great comment on "Writings on Art..."

Christine said...
I love the last line of your post because it says it all.
"But most often I think it is because we have been discouraged into thinking what we feel about the sky is not important."
In my life I have seen this be the main reason that many creative people are reluctant to express themselves. It is a sad thing to see but I know a little boy close to four years old who has started to change in his behavior for the worst. He's gone from being carefree and expressive to suddenly very aware of the people around him and their opinions of his playful actions. Instead of doing things for the pure joy of it his expressiveness has started to be inhibited by his need to please.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

"Imagination is the Divine Body in Every Man"
-William Blake

Writings about Art, Independence and Spirit


I was perusing my book shelf recently and pulled out a book entitled “If You Want To Write” by Brenda Ueland, I always love reading this book, it was written in 1938, but it is timeless in it’s message. I remember giving this book to my father after I had first read it, back in the 80’s, he also loved it, it was a good feeling to know it had touched him the way it had me, I was grateful to have been able to share it with him.
In it she writes not just about writing, but about all creative endeavors and how our imagination and creativity is our god given right, each of us possessing unique talents and originality.
Here’s an excerpt:

Everybody is original, if he tells the truth, if he speaks from himself. But it must be from his true self and not from the self he thinks it should be. Jennings at John Hopkins, who knows more about heredity and the genes and chromosomes than any man in the world says that no individual is exactly like any other individual, that no two identical persons ever existed. Consequently, if you speak or write from yourself you cannot help being original.
So remember these two things: you are talented and you are original. Be sure of that. I say this because self-trust is one of the most important things in any creative expression.
This creative power and imagination is in everyone and so is the need to express it, i.e., to share it with others. But what happens to it?
It is very tender and sensitive, and it is usually drummed out of people early in life by criticism (so called “helpful criticism” is often the worst kind) by all those unloving people who forget that the letter killeth and the spirit giveth life. Sometimes I think of life as a process where everybody is discouraging and taking everybody else down a peg or two.
You know how all children have this creative power. You have all seen children working hard at something they love just for the joy of it… they were working for nothing but fun, for that glorious inner excitement. It was the creative power working within them. It was hard work but there was no pleasure or excitement like it and it was something never forgotten.

But this joyful, imaginative, impassioned energy dies out of us very young. Why? Because we do not see that it is great and important. Because we let dry obligation take its place. Because we don’t respect it in ourselves and keep it alive by using it. And because we don’t keep it alive in others by listening to them.
For when you come to think of it the only way to love a person is by listening to them and seeing and believing in the god, in the poet, in them. For by doing this, you keep the god and the poet alive and make it flourish.

She goes on to tell a story about the painter Van Gogh:
When Van Gogh was a young man in his early twenties, he was in London studying to be a clergyman. He had no thought of being an artist at all. He sat in his cheap little room writing a letter to his younger brother in Holland, whom he loved very much. He looked out his window at a watery twilight, a thin lamp post, a star, and he said in his letter something like this: “It is so beautiful I must show you how it looks.” And then on cheap ruled note paper, he made the most beautiful, tender, little drawing of it.
When I read this letter of Van Gogh’s it comforted me very much and seemed to throw a clear light on the whole road of art. Before I had thought that to produce a work of painting or literature
You scowled and thought long and ponderously and weighed everything solemnly and learned everything that all artists had ever done aforetime, and what their influences and schools were. And so on and so on.
But the moment I read Van Gogh’s letter I knew what art was, and the creative impulse. It is a feeling of love and enthusiasm for something, and in a direct, simple, passionate and true way, you try to show this beauty in things to others, by drawing it.
The difference between Van Gogh and you and me is, that while we may look at the sky and think it is beautiful, we don’t go so far as to show someone else how it looks. One reason may be that we do not care enough about the sky or other people. But most often I think it is because we have been discouraged into thinking what we feel about the sky is not important.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Food for thought

we shall not cease from exploration
and the end of our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time...
T.S.Eliot

The Dressing Room Saga

It's comforting to commiserate, here's a special comment from Lori on the joys of new motherhood:

I couldn't agree more with the horror of the dressing room and the every angle view of myself, pasty winter white, glowing in the lights. Ugh! Add to that a 5 month postpartum belly dangling as I bend over to pull my sweatpants back on, sweating, crying baby, and then leave the dressing room red-faced, dishevelled, and pissed. Very uplifting. For the first time in my life I thought-will I have to wear a skirted bathing suit?? Because I'm sure not going to wear the bikini I bought on my honeymoon in Italy! I have to say, the one time in all my life I loved shopping was when I was pregnant. When something didn't fit, it was exciting-my baby is growing! Not, your flabby fat ass is growing. After I gave birth, about a month, I never felt so THIN! I thought my god! this is fantastic, the weight just fell off......until I tried on a pair of prepregnancy jeans. I couldn't even get them up over my hips, let alone try to button them. Astounding. So, here I see, five months after birth, nothing to wear, bathing suit season around the corner-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


I just have one question: How long can I legitimately say my extra weight is post pregnancy? Is there a statute of limitations on this claim? Anybody? Is six years over the limit?

 

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