For Want of Wanting

Want; it can be used as a verb (used with or without object) or a noun. One definition being; “to be deficient by the absence of some part or thing, or to feel or have a need”.

Today I had a realization that changes the way I look at my life. I got up this morning and found my mate in the living room writing in his journal, I sat down and we immediately got into deep conversation about life, our lives. One of the things he touched on was the feeling that his grandfather and father were considered icons or “great” men and that all his life he wanted to be great. My response, was that he was already that great person, even back then as a boy, and that he just didn’t see it, which I know to be true, but almost sounds pat in today’s world of self introspection and positive affirmations, etc.
As we got deeper into the conversation I shared that it reminded me of MY childhood only I always wanted to have the perfect body, I always fantasized that if I had the perfect body (and overall look) I would be beyond happy, my life would be filled with wonders beyond my wildest imagination blah, blah, blah… I guess this was my version of “being great”.
We went on to talk about the times in our lives when we actually achieved “greatness” (at least in our own mind) or came as close to it as possible, for example; a time when he was playing piano so beautifully he made his instructor cry at a recital, or a time I was in great shape and very happy with my body and the overall way I looked.
Why then did we not maintain these statuses? Why were these fleeting moments? Why did we need to sabotage ourselves? Is it because once we were getting close to great, and our lives were not exactly meeting our wildest fantasies, it was too disappointing to face?
What about this state of WANTING, “the state of being without something desired or needed, of being without the necessaries of life.”?
Now this, the state of wanting, this is where we grew up. It was something we could handle, this feeling was so familiar, so comfortable, it seemed to fit us perfectly. Wanting wasn’t a launching point to get you to the next place in life but rather was a perpetual state of being, a mood or way of life, if you will. This is how we were recognized, how we learned to relate to others. It was like belonging to this club, those of us who knew about wanting. I started to think back to the 60’s when I was growing up, what was I hearing about- wanting peace, wanting to change the world, wanting to be somebody, wanting to stop the war…it was cool to want. Now wanting…that’s something I could sink my teeth into, wanting is where it was at.
When I think about the last conversation I had with an old friend of mine, (about a week ago) what did we talk about? We talked about wanting to lose weight, hmm… let’s see…how long have I been wanting that… Oh yeah only about 40 years now - 40 YEARS!!!! What the hell! Let’s at least consider changing the subject!!! There should be a statute of limitations on it for Christ sake, come on already! How long should we be allowing ourselves to want something??? (I’m starting to feel like Lewis Black all of a sudden).
Here’s the rub; it can’t possibly be about losing the weight or whatever that thing is that you say you “want” it must somehow be the wanting that is the goal here . Imagine having a contest for people who have been wanting something the longest in life? You wouldn’t actually get the Gold Medal, your prize would be to get to keep wanting it!
What I’m saying is, that wanting, the state of wanting, is the what we end up becoming attached to, as painful as it is.
Now it’s not as if we all haven’t achieved many goals along the way, it’s just that I can finally see clearly how this state of wanting is so ingrained in me that I don’t even notice I’m in it. To see past wanting and accept HAVING is really to accept a totally new way of understanding and living life. I think I’m ready for a change.