Deal Breakers

This subject of “deal breakers”, something we just couldn’t tolerate in our mates, is fascinating to me. I have been having an ongoing discussion with my mate about these, and how we both define them.
They can be extremely subjective, and say so much about a person. They can be anything: from not wanting to tongue kiss, being over involved in one’s family of origin, to rage issues. Then there’s the added decision about what stage in the relationship these things would actually “break the deal.” Presumably, the early stages of a relationship are when they all surface and deals are broken left and right...I guess that’s called “dating”.
For the sake of clarity, let’s jump ahead to being with a person a few years or more…maybe even after having a few children.
What about someone unwillingly to do any work on themselves and rejects the whole idea of therapy, someone who becomes a religious zealot, or who doesn’t communicate directly, someone who is no longer interested in making love? We each have our own personal thresholds of tolerance for other people’s shortcomings. Some people even consider gaining a little weight to be a deal breaker. Whew! That’s clearly not one of ours!
The Spitzer case brings up one of the more obvious questions; a romp or two (or 20…) in the hay, or an affair with the added in-love feelings attached. There is no question in my mind that the latter is more the deal breaker. Now, I know I wouldn’t be thrilled if I was Mrs. Spitzer, in fact, that 8 year prostitution foray is more of an indication of a pathology than anything to do with love or real sex. Bill Clinton also had (has) one of those impulse disorders’ that’s not really about what it seems to be.
Circumstances can really play a part in all of this, too. If my mate told me he had a fling while he was traveling and away from me for a while, that would be cause for a different level of upset than if he said he was having an ongoing affair with our neighbor.I don’t believe any of us are without issues. We all have disorders of one type or another, but those are not the deal breakers in and of themselves. For me, the real deal breaker has always been when someone is unwilling to see themselves, and can’t or won’t work on their issues. When a person is ready, willing and able to change, there’s always hope.
They can be extremely subjective, and say so much about a person. They can be anything: from not wanting to tongue kiss, being over involved in one’s family of origin, to rage issues. Then there’s the added decision about what stage in the relationship these things would actually “break the deal.” Presumably, the early stages of a relationship are when they all surface and deals are broken left and right. I guess that’s called “dating”.
For the sake of clarity, let’s jump ahead to being with a person a few years or more…maybe even after having a few children.
What about someone unwillingly to do any work on themselves and rejects the whole idea of therapy, someone who becomes a religious zealot, or who doesn’t communicate directly, someone who is no longer interested in making love? We each have our own personal thresholds of tolerance for other people’s shortcomings. Some people even consider gaining a little weight to be a deal breaker. Whew! That’s clearly not one of ours!

The Spitzer case brings up one of the more obvious questions; a romp or two (or 20…) in the hay, or an affair with the added in-love feelings attached. There is no question in my mind that the latter is more the deal breaker. Now, I know I wouldn’t be thrilled if I was Mrs. Spitzer, in fact, that 8 year prostitution foray is more of an indication of a pathology than anything to do with love or real sex. Bill Clinton also had (has) one of those impulse disorders’ that’s not really about what it seems to be.

Circumstances can really play a part in all of this, too. If my mate told me he had a fling while he was traveling and away from me for a while, that would be cause for a different level of upset than if he said he was having an ongoing affair with our neighbor.I don’t believe any of us are without issues. We all have disorders of one type or another, but those are not the deal breakers in and of themselves. For me, the real deal breaker has always been when someone is unwilling to see themselves, and can’t or won’t work on their issues. When a person is ready, willing and able to change, there’s always hope.

For more on this subject read the article entitled "What Are the Dealbreakers?" http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/31/11/31_11_what_are_smartmoms.html