Bad Cop-Good Parent

I read an article by Louise Crawford posted on “Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn” website entitled SMARTMOM: WHEN HEPCAT'S AWAY, TEEN SPIRIT TRIES TO PLAY http://onlytheblogknowsbrooklyn.typepad.com/

After reading about her "good cop, bad cop" scenario, it got me thinking about our roles as parents.

It’s so true; us “good cops” haven’t really been getting away with anything all these years have we? I too have often played the role of good cop, unable to tolerate my kids leaving the house in a huff (or in my case teary eyed), but like Smartmom, any time my partner wasn’t around I would rise to the occasion and get tough. The amazing part was that the energy I was putting out as “bad cop” was so clear and determined that I often had the kids fed and in bed earlier than usual with extra time for myself, sans tears. I’ve also heard other mothers say it’s easier when they’re alone with the kids, and that when Dad gets home things are more complicated.
What, then, is this phenomenon that leaves us all feeling a bit better?

So much of trying to be the good cop is really what Freud called “transference,” which is what occurs when parents relate to their children as if the children were their parents (poetically described in a quote Freud once used, and as the title of the first album by Blood, Sweat & Tears: “Child is Father to the Man.”) Parents stuck in such a transference, not wanting to feel their own sadness or fear of losing the overt love and acceptance of their children, bargain away their parental role.
Being a loving parent means being able to discipline with love because that’s what our role is, it’s not to be their best friend, buddy, sweetheart …no, we have chosen the toughest job there is; to be a parent. The anger and frustration a child may feel from the word “no” is nothing compared to the feelings of abandonment and loss of control they feel when a parent refuses to take the role of loving disciplinarian.
Over the last ten years I have seen children (mine and others) transform right before my eyes after being disciplined with love. It’s truly amazing. I have seen acting out, fighting, screaming tantrums all stopped cold in their tracks, only to be replaced with loving affection, hugs and a centered calmness after a parent has acted as a parent.
Unfortunately, as I look around I see too many parents acting out their transferences, and so, many children are feeling abandon. This only leads to the kids becoming more demanding and more out of control, ultimately, or to becoming withdrawn and insecure later on when the surges of adolescence hit.
I have often thought that this is just a case of the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction, our parents were more repressive i.e.; Children should be seen and not heard…” so now we are going to let our children be themselves without restrictions… only to realize that both these scenarios are devoid of REAL parenting, which is; Really seeing the child and setting clear boundaries - all with love.
Why this is so hard for us to conquer, of course, is that so many of us are still looking for the parenting we never had, while trying to be the best parents we can be. Whew!