Tuesday, October 23, 2007

More on Sleep by Peter Loffredo

In today's NY Times is a piece on parents who have their children (not infants) sleep in their bed, and how many of said parents keep it a secret for fear of being criticized.
Well, let me add my critical voice to the discussion. There's a reason why such parents fear criticism. I can tell you of countless situations where a child was suffering from developmental problems and delayed maturity, even up to as old as seven-to-ten years of age, because parents were allowing the child into their adult bed. In these situations, when the parents followed my recommendation to get the child out of the parental bed, the child experienced a maturational growth spurt almost immediately. Why? Because what children want and what children need are not always the same thing. In early childhood, the pull to regress back to an earlier stage of development is strong. Growing up is hard. But in every species of higher mammal, the mother knows that her offsrping have to be pushed out of the nest and off of the maternal teat, so the young being can attain healthy, life-sustaining independence. Fortunately, for those animals such good parenting is instinctual. Unfortunately, for human children, parents can overrule their instincts. I've said this before and I'll say it again - parents who let their children into their bed past infancy are emotionally lazy, and are not operating from a place of mature parental love, but rather are being driven by their own unworked on fears of deprivation. Get those kids out of your bed. Please!
Peter Loffredo, LCSW

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I Love me, I love me not?

Here's a beautiful piece on relationships from my friend Mark G;

It’s a pretty simple equation. If you think you genuinely want a great relationship that is founded in love and it’s not happening, then you’d better start to look at why you don’t want a great relationship that is founded in love. It is a most common idea that persists about love and relationships that if we can just “find” the right person, then we will be happy. And so the search goes on to seek out candidates that match our illusionary dream of happiness. And when we finally find or settle on a seemingly mutual connection, we begin to explore a relationship. Most often the path we choose in relationships and love, are the one’s most familiar based on our own experiences of what we were taught and what we experienced with our own parents.

It is true that some can be compatible and live together for years by simply having “things in common.” Sports, arts, travel, habits, sex, and the rest of the twenty-nine dimensions of compatibility we find with internet matchmaking. And it is of course also known that large numbers of marriages end with destructive divorces laced with anger and blame. Someone did not “make me happy, so I’ll look elsewhere.”

Look around. In your general sphere of friends and relatives, how many couples are experiencing genuine love and happiness? Probably not very many I suspect.
Then what is going on here? Why is it such a struggle to love? Why are relationships so crazy and out of synch? Why do we make choices that lead us to unhappiness and anger instead of fulfillment and love? Why is life so cruel!

Well my friends, to find the answer we need to enter the realm of the soul. We need to expand our consciousness and open the door for the possibility that what we “know” is simply not enough for the experience of genuine love. And genuine is the operative word. It is the unconditional, non-judgment of life and total acceptance of ones self that is at the core of genuine love. The good news is that every single physical soul has this ability, as it’s “first nature.” The bad news is we generally live by what we think of as “second nature.” Which basically means that our belief systems are formed by both what were taught, and by our souls karmic collective experiences. Okay, don’t get scared now and close out this session. Just keep an open mind and read on.

When we talk about relationships and love, we are really speaking to our own selves. It is not about finding the “perfect” mate. What we energize into our lives, what we magnetize to externally, only reflects back to us our own issues that need repair and healing. So when we attach ourselves to another in the context of relationships and under the heading of being “in love,” our chosen one becomes an object. Because we have been taught to disconnect from ourselves, from our genuine feelings, we put that power in the hands of the objectified beloved. Then an interesting dynamic is put in place. Love becomes the experience of neediness. When a person hasn’t healed (or at

least tried) to heal his or her own suffering and struggle, there is no relationship out there that will be satisfying and fulfilling. The wounds and traumas of the child are piggy-backed to the adult and are projected outward and can only attract others who are willing to play out this childish dance as adults in a relationship.

Genuine love cannot occur when two are trapped in “acting out” under the false belief that this is what you do in a relationship. What’s at work here transcends our practical application of physical life. This is the work of the soul. Life is not a bitch, but karma can be! The universe is a wonderful, benign place that is here to grant your every desire and need. It is available to all. However few are ready, willing and able to manifest the Divine Nature of Life. Life without the judgment of our ego is simply life. The physical college of life from birth to death.

Therefore, great love and exquisite relationships, gobs of pleasure and happiness, immense personal fulfillment are readily available all the time. If that’s what you think you want, and it’s not coming your way, you are preventing it.
It’s time to take total self-responsibility for the creation of your life. You’ll never find it from the outside. No person can give this to you. It can only be owned and then shared. Maybe you should be thinking about how hard you “work” to acquire external wealth and security, and start putting some of that energy into working on yourself. And when you start opening the channels of your soul, great love can’t help but find its way into your life.

Instead of paying for anti-depressants, drugs, numbing diversions, external toys and alike, spend some of that money on some self-inner work. Try yoga, meditation, consider some therapy. Find those soul-searching environments that will allow you get back to your true “first nature.” And that is unconditional love and acceptance of life and of who you truly are as a soul, not just a personality.
Hey listen, if you don’t do it in this lifetime, don’t fret, you’ll have plenty of others, but eventually, by and by you will, we all will get there. Thank God!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Drugs for kids under 6 - Just say no!

Today on the front page of the NY Times there's an article entitled " F.D.A. Panel Urges Ban on Medicine for Child Colds" http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/20/washington/20fda.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin
This article is about banning ineffectual and possibly damaging over-the-counter cold medicine for chidren under the age of 6.
Here are some exerpts;
" The panel found there was no proof that the medicines eased cold symptoms in children, while there are rare reports that they have caused serious harm."

"If put into practice, the ban could transform pharmacy shelves and change the way parents cope with the most common illness in young children."

"The panel largely rejected these arguments, voting overwhelmingly that there is no evidence that over-the-counter pediatric cold medicines have any effect on symptoms and that more studies must be done. Still, nine panel members voted against an outright ban in children ages 2 to 5, arguing that doctors and parents need something for ill children, even if it has no proven effect."

Why is this even debatable? Why if these cold medicines have not been proven to be helpful, and could even have some negative effects on our children would we allow them to be sold, let alone continue to give them to our children? What does that mean, "this could change the way parents cope with their child's illness"? I think the parents that are giving their children ineffectual, possibly damaging drugs just so they can "cope" is a much bigger and more serious issue in this country. What are we saying when we say " doctors and parents need something for ill children, even if it has no proven effect"? Are we talking about a placebo? Why not give your child a glass of organic juice, at least it will give them vitamins to help with fighting off infections.
I know that the big pharmaceutical companies need to keep raking in the money to pay their CEO's ("Parents spend around $500 million every year buying nearly 95 million boxes containing 3.8 billion doses of medicineæ") but come on PARENTS if you need something to help you ""cope " when your child has a cold, try some meditation, exercising or psychotherapy, it'll have much more lasting effects and won't damage your children's bodies in the process, hey it may even help the whole family.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Addressing Change

On 17 October, 2007
Anonymous said...
I just posted previously. My husband just asked for a separation out of the blue. I am devastated and have 2 young children. How were you able to survive the moves and the separation?

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your comments. I plan on posting much more so keep checking in.
To your question; The separation/divorce was undoubtedly the hardest thing I ever went through. The most simple and truest response I can give you is to take one day and one moment at a time. Don't get overwhelmed and try to figure it all out today, things will unfold at a pace that you can handle. Remember to take care of yourself, in what ever way you know how, that is the key to being the best parent throughout any ordeal. What I realized about my children was that as long as they knew that I was OK then they could feel safe and OK too. I once bought a book about Divorce that was entitled "Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?" Although the book wasn't that helpful, the title really spoke to a reality about small children and how their worlds can be less complicated if we take care of the grownup stuff ourselves and let them be children.
I hope that helps, please keep writing and I will do the same.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Get those kids to bed!


How important sleep is can't be overstated.
Here's another good article I found in New York Magazine by Ashley Merryman entitled "How to get kids to sleep more"
Some highlights:
• Inconsistent bedtimes are, for all practical purposes, homemade jet lag.
•The most driven children are the most overscheduled – and the most sleep deprived.
• Naps are not quite the salve we imagine.
• Common sleep disorders such as nightmares, restless leg syndrome, and frequent night waking can have a startlingly negative impact on children’s development
•Researchers now caution that kids’ snoring is not like adult snoring at all – even a little snoring is a major cause for concern, because their developing brains can be deprived of oxygen.
Read on...http://nymag.com/news/features/38979/?imw=Y

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Has your child been misdiagnosed?

Before taking any doctors advice on giving your child medication, look at his/her sleep habits, you might find out something that could save you and your family lots of time, anguish and money. Lack of sleep could have something or everything to do with any issues they may be having. I read this interesting article in New York magazine recently entitled "Snooze or Loose" by Po Bronson. http://nymag.com/news/features/38951/ Here's an excerpt;

"The surprise is how much sleep affects academic performance and emotional stability, as well as phenomena that we assumed to be entirely unrelated, such as the international obesity epidemic and the rise of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A few scientists theorize that sleep problems during formative years can cause permanent changes in a child’s brain structure: damage that one can’t sleep off like a hangover. It’s even possible that many of the hallmark characteristics of being a tweener and teen—moodiness, depression, and even binge eating—are actually symptoms of chronic sleep deprivation."

"There are many causes for this lost hour of sleep. Overscheduling of activities, burdensome homework, lax bedtimes, televisions and cell phones in the bedroom all contribute. So does guilt; home from work after dark, parents want time with their children and are reluctant to play the hard-ass who orders them to bed. All these reasons converge on one simple twist of convenient ignorance: Until now, we could overlook the lost hour because we never really knew its true cost to children."

Friday, October 12, 2007

Addressing Change

I'm looking to change my address, and I say it this way because I'm not looking for a home insomuch as I'm looking to take my home to a new address. I have learned a great life lesson I would like to share.
Three years ago, my husband and I separated, at the time our children were 3 and 7. We agreed, (with some hesitation on my part), to share custody as a 50/50 split, at the time we owned a very large Brownstone in Park Slope. My ex was determined and able to afford to buy the house from me, and although I thought I would have liked to have stayed in the house (after living through a 3 year renovation), financially it was out of my reach, so he stayed in the house and I left to find a new home for me and my kids. It was the peek of the real estate boom and almost everything I looked at was out of my price range. Determined to create a warm loving and equally comfortable environment as the one we had created on Carroll St., I set out to find my duplicate house. It wasn't long before I realized I was unable to duplicate what I had previously so I began looking at real estate more as an investment that could get me to the next level of being able to afford a "better property" if I were savvy enough and had the patience and the fortitude to stick it out. Since that time, November 2004, we have moved 3 times. If anyone told me I would have moved three times in 3 years, with two children, I would have responded with disbelief and horror, knowing how hard it is to move and how physically and emotionally draining it can be. The whole time staying within the same school district so as not to disrupt that flow, while keeping in close vicinity to their father's house. Whew!
Here's what I learned; If we as adults acknowledge and convey the positive in what we're doing that's what children see and respond to; Children are naturally inquisitive and adventurous and are experts at injecting a spirit of play in what ever they do; Lastly, and not least, a home is not the four walls you live in but more about how you live. What I thought might be a disaster turned out to be more of an adventure. Now that we have decided to leave Brooklyn I have every intention of taking it with us. By "it" I mean our essence, and energy, our connectedness, our rituals, creativity and relationship to each other and our surroundings, all these things that are infused with our love. When people come into our home they often comment on how good it feels and how warm, inviting and comfortable the energy is. This is us, all of this in it's totality and uniqueness, defines home

Loving and Leaving Brooklyn

I know, I know, urban couples with kids love Park Slope. People have been moving in by the droves. Real Estate prices have reflected it for at least ten years now. I myself am an 8 year veteran or newbie, (all depending on your perspective). I was one of the many Manhattanites, who, after having children, was faced with the decision- Move to the burbs or go to the next best thing...Brooklyn?
It is understood by many that while living in Brooklyn one can still enjoy the culture of the NYC, be in a close commuting distance and get more space for less money, even live near a beautiful park, blah, bah , blah...hell, you can even join the food coop.
In my case I moved two doors down from my in-laws who still lived in the same house my husband grew up in, so as a bonus I could be sort of "grandfathered in" as an actual Brooklynite, complete with family friends and good geriatric neighbors, it seemed a no brainer right?
Well... here's what I've learned...after a huge renovation (3 years) two children, a divorce and multiple school struggles; public and private, I can tell you that Brooklyn is and never was what I imagined it would be. Commuting to NYC was always longer and more of a hassle than I thought (even getting a cab to Brooklyn wasn't easy), I once had a cab driver drop me off , 8 months pregnant, when he found out I was heading to Brooklyn. Getting into a private school was torturous,then finding out it was less than mediocre ...and "couldn't meet the needs" of my son was even more horrendous.
I know Brooklyn has come a long way and Park Slope was recently listed as one of the "best places to live" and I really do enjoy Prospect Park , but I for one am ready for a real backyard and a little more room. I think I could learn to love the suburbs after all.

 

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